


Awakening

by notaguitarfret



Series: "They're all girlfriends" AU [20]
Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Not explicitly mentioned, bulimia references, but alluded to, corrective rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 02:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20987546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaguitarfret/pseuds/notaguitarfret
Summary: Heather Duke's been getting a lot of weird feelings lately.





	Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> !!!! CW !!!!
> 
> hopefully you read the tags of this fic, but if you haven't, to avoid references/scenes that include rape then skip the flashbacks !! both of which are scenes not set in Mac's house.
> 
> that being said, i hope y'all enjoy !!

“So, you’re actually in a relationship now, huh?”

Duke flipped through her brand new notebook, one with a pretty green ivy aesthetic on the front, which had been gifted to her by Chandler for Christmas. Though she was busy laying out her pages with timetables and bucket lists as neatly as she could, she could easily speak to Chandler as she did so.

“You sound so surprised by that idea,” Chandler said, playing with a new set of golden earrings that had been gifted to her by Emmy.

“I am,” she replied. “Heather, when was the last time you were in a relationship?”

“A few months ago!”

“One that _ lasted _.”

Chandler fell silent, hands tapping on the bed sheets to fill in for sound in Emmy’s bedroom.

“Does Peter count?”

“You dumped him after four weeks because you said he was _ boring _.”

“See! Almost a full month!” she exclaimed. “That counts.”

“It was also a year ago.”

In response, Duke found a pillow was thrown in her face. It didn’t hurt, it was just passive aggressive.

“Heather, name the last time _ you _ were in a relationship,” Chandler snarked. “And you can count casual ones, since I’m so nice.”

Duke deadpanned at her, her legs stilling in the air behind her.

“I haven’t been in one.”

“See? I don’t know why you’re so shocked about _ me _ having a relationship when you’ve never bothered to find one for yourself.”

Duke shrugged and looked back down at her notebook purely to avert her gaze.

“I’ve just never felt anything for anyone.”

“Oh, _ please _ . You can’t go through high school completely unscaved of crushes. There had to have been _ someone _. Even if it was just a dumb little infactuation.”

Duke gave an annoyed groan.

“Heather, I assure you, I have never gawked at _ anyone _ . I can especially confirm that after watching you and Veronica constantly giving each other ‘fuck-me’ eyes on Christmas _ and _ today.”

Chandler became red in the face. “First of all, they’re called _ bedroom _ eyes. Second of all, you’ve fucked people. You would have _ had _ to use bedroom eyes at some point.”

“If I did, it was never genuine. Nothing about anyone who I’ve fucked was appealing.”

A silence fell on the two of them, one that began to make Duke’s skin crawl. She was quick to break it.

“So tell me,” she humoured, straightening herself up from lying on her stomach. “What does love feel like?” She batted her lashes in an overly-dramatic manner. “Since I’m so out of the loop.”

Chandler gave a thoughtful gaze.

“If I could be real with you for a moment,” she murmured, shuffling closer to her. “I’m not quite sure I’ve actually felt it before.”

Having expected a joke for an answer, Duke closed her notebook, now intrigued.

“I can’t say I’ve ever felt what they write about in romance novels. You know, all the heart fluttering and gushing and constantly thinking and dreaming about them. I never thought it was real, because I never felt like that with anyone. But with Veronica?” Hands gripped her shoulders. “I really, _ really _ cannot stop thinking about her. Seriously. I’ve _ tried _ . But I just always want to be with her and look out for her, you know? I just want to be with her and talk with her and do _ nothing _ with her all the time. It’s turned me into a _ total _ pillowcase!”

Duke swallowed.

“So is it… like an admiration for the person, or-”

“So much more than that.” Her eyes were filled with wonder, like they were overwhelmed, but _ happy _ to be overwhelmed. It was like nothing she had ever seen in Chandler before. “You’re just… filled with so much _ giddiness _ around that person, it’s honestly kind of ridiculous.” She stared right at her, almost accusingly. “Have you ever felt like that?”

“Heather!”

They both snapped their heads towards Emmy, who had swung open her bedroom door.

“It’s quarter to five.”

Chandler frowned and threw her head back to let out an irritated groan.

“Well, I better motor. Gotta be back at my parents house by five to wish my cousins whose names are a mystery to me goodbye.” She slipped off the bed and hurried past Emmy. “See ya later.”

“Alligator,” Emmy completed with a smile, which only earned an odd look for Chandler, before she darted down the corridor. Emmy simply shut the door behind her. “She didn’t get it.”

“I think she did, it’s just something kindergarteners say,” Duke said as she came to sit down on the bed with her.

“Well, _ I _ think it’s a cute saying,” Emmy retorted. “Anyway, what were you talking about?”

“Huh?” Duke swallowed. “Nothing. We weren’t talking about anything.”

She tilted her head. “But I heard you talking.”

“Nothing important.”

“Oh.” She looked a little disappointed. “Well, come down with me so I can feed Foxy?”

“Sure,” Duke said, just in time before her breathing hitched as Emmy unexpectedly grabbed her by the hand and pulled her away from the bed and off towards the stairs.

“So, Heather and Veronica, huh?” Emmy said when they reached the bottom of the stairs. “Isn’t it exciting?”

“We were just talking about that, actually.”

“You said it was nothing important!” Emmy turned around to face her with a bright gaze. “Heather, they’re _ dating! _ It’s about time they did!”

Duke blinked at her. “For someone who continues to see Veronica, you’re very happy about this.”

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I figured you’d be jealous,” she said. “That’s how crushes work, right?”

Emmy shrugged. “I don’t really see the point in feeling jealous. I never really understood that part of all those love triangle stories.” They stepped into the kitchen, and she picked up a bag of cat food and rattled it loudly. “Besides, what do I even have to feel jealous of? I still get to see Veronica, after all.”

“I guess.” Duke looked down to see Foxy darting past her legs and over to his bowl, where pellets were poured out for him. “Hey, M?”

“Mhmm?” She dropped the bag back on the table, making a loud _ thunk _.

“How did… how did things play out with you and Veronica?” she asked in the most casual tone she could muster.

“What do you mean?”

“Like…” She sauntered over to the fridge. “How did you both get together? I’m just curious how that played out.” She opened it up and grabbed a cold glass bottle of water.

“Do you want an honest answer?”

“Preferably.”

“We were sad and horny.”

Duke pursed her lips. “So you just… fucked.”

“Yeah.”

Duke paused, mindlessly trying to unscrew the bottle cap.

“But… I don’t get it. How did you _ know _ you liked her?” She leaned over the counter towards her. “How did you know you were into girls at all?”

Emmy stared back cluelessly. “I… just did? You know how you know you want to bang a guy? It’s kinda like tha-”

“No, I _ don’t _ know that!”

She opened her bottle at last, gripping the lid tightly as she stared back at Heather, who looked a little stunned.

“You don’t?”

Duke dug her teeth into the inside of her cheek, keeping her eyes low as she timidly sipped her water.

“Yes? No? I don’t know?”

Footsteps grew closer, and a warm hand landed on her shoulder. She looked up into a soft hazel gaze.

“Heather, you seem really bothered by this,” Emmy murmured. “Is everything okay?”

At first, Heather was going to deny anything was wrong. But the longer she gazed back at her, the more safe she felt speaking about the dumb little worries that had been floating around her head for… who knows how long.

“Everything’s _ fine _ , I just…” She shrugged. “I dunno. With Heather getting into a proper relationship and all,” _ and with me acting so fucking _ odd _ around you and making me really fucking paranoid _, “it just got me thinking.”

Gentle hands brushed over her shoulder soothingly. “Hey, you’re staying overnight, right? You have all night to talk about it! If you want to, that is.”

Duke slowly nodded. “I guess.” She gave a thankful smile. “Thanks for letting me stay over.”

“Anything to help you avoid your family.” Her eyes grew empathetic. “They’re still mad at you?”

“It’s only been two days. Of course they’re still mad at me.” She rolled her eyes, but it wasn’t at Emmy. “But thanks for letting me stay over.”

“It’s no problem!” She nudged her forward. “Now, come on. It’s cold and I want my weighted blanket.”

“I’m weighted. I could work.”

She was met with a glare.

“I’m sure you’d make a great blanket, but I refuse to fall for your self-deprecating jokes.”

“One day you’re gonna laugh at them.”

“I will not!”

“Is that a challenge?”

“_ No! _”

* * *

_ Oh fuck, why is that cute. _

Emmy had indeed grabbed her weighted blanket and had proceeded to cocoon herself in it, with only her hand poking out the top and her fingers fidgeting right where the two ends crossed.

“You wanna get in, Heather?” she asked with a warm smile. Duke glanced at the brief opening she was being offered, with an arm draped in a yellow blanket. The answer was an obvious no, of course. No way was she going to curl up next to her while completely _ awake _ and show herself to be even more of a pillowcase than she had shown herself to be this week-

“Sure, why not,” she grumbled, shuffling across the bed and tucking herself into the space she was being offered. Not only was the blanket similar to someone draping themselves over you - kind of like a comforting hug - but she had Emmy’s strong, firm hold keeping her close. Her arm was only resting over her shoulders and she could _ still _ feel how strong she was.

_ Hey what the fuck is happening right now. _ She shrank into her shoulders a little. _ Why am I suddenly noticing all these things? _ She shifted a little closer. _ Like how warm and cosy this is. _

“Well, other than the whole eating with your family thing, did you have a good Christmas?” Emmy asked with a smile.

“It got a lot better with you, yeah.” She cleared her throat quickly. “‘You’ being you, V and Heather, I mean.” Good save. “Oh, and thanks for the glitter gel pens. They go really well with Heather’s present.”

“It’s no problem! I know you like pretty pens,” she said with a smile, lifting up her brand new chewy necklace - a golden fox-shaped pendant tied to a string - and bringing it to her mouth, where she lightly nibbled on it. It had been a gift from Chandler, and was one that even Duke admired that she managed to find. There weren’t many stores in Sherwood that sold autistic friendly items, so she definitely went out of town just to find it.

“Was it planned? The two pieces of stationary, I mean.”

“Nope! I bought it when we weren’t talking. Y’know, when I went out with Veronica and her friends.”

“I guess you both know me well.”

“We do!” she said, voice muffled by her necklace. “Now you can colour code all your notes. I know you like being neat.”

“Unlike you. You scribble down your notes in the same black ink.”

“I have to!” she argued. “It takes me a moment to take in what they’re saying, and I have to write notes down quickly, otherwise I’m gonna miss half of it. I don’t understand how you’re able to colour code all your notes _ and _ listen to what the teacher is saying.”

Duke smugly grinned. “I have a better attention span than you.”

“No need to boast.” She took her arm off her, to her chagrin, to cross them and look away. Duke snickered.

“My apologies. I just like being better at things than other people."

“Yeah, I know,” Emmy snarked back with a cheeky smirk. Seeing her face with a scrunched up nose, narrowed eyes and lopsided smile was enough to make Duke giggle.

And sure, the giddy feeling in her chest was confusing and frustrating and landing so many questions in her head right now, but she couldn’t bring herself to try and get rid of it. Perhaps that’s why it was so damn frustrating.

“Say, got any plans for the rest of the holidays?” Emmy asked, pulling her attention back to her.

“Therapy, I guess,” she said. “Starts next week.”

“I hope that goes okay,” she said softly. Duke flinched when a hand pressed against her own. It had a soothing feeling to it, almost convincing her that everything was going to work out just fine. She wanted more of that, of course, and gripped her hand around Heather’s tightly, not wanting to let it go. Wanting to _ keep it with her at all times. _

“Are you feeling okay about it?”

“Huh? About what?”

“Um, therapy.”

“Oh.” She slowly nodded. “Yeah. I guess so.” She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, finding chapped tears to nibble on. “I mean, it’s gonna be horribly uncomfortable, but it’s for the best, right?”

“Mhmm.”

The room became quiet, letting Duke begin to think about all the possibilities that could come out of these upcoming therapy sessions. The thought of her sitting down with someone who she had yet to meet around this time next week and talking about her horrid eating habits was intimidating, to say the least. She was going to be so _ vulnerable _.

“I’m just not sure how to feel about the whole opening up to a stranger thing, y’know?” she sighed. “I don’t like talking about that shit. Not with anyone. Especially not a stranger.”

“But they’re a professional.”

“I know, but they’re still a person behind the clipboard and glasses. It’s all I can think about, really.”

Emmy offered a sympathetic gaze. One that Duke cherished. She didn’t even have to say anything else, but she did.

“Back in elementary school, Heather and I were in a special needs class,” she said. “We had a nice teacher. I really liked her.”

Duke raised a brow, curious as to where this was going.

“She always comforted Heather and I whenever we were upset. We had a lot of problems in elementary with the other students, and they were problems we never even wanted to share with our parents.”

“_ Even? _”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, so we never do that anyway. But the point is, we didn’t trust them, but we trusted _ her _.”

“Uh-huh?” Duke blinked at her, confused. “That’s very sweet and all, but why are you telling me this?”

“Your therapist should be someone like her,” she explained. “A professional, yeah, but someone who you’d be able to talk to with or without the career title.” She rubbed her shoulder again and smiled reassuringly. “If your therapist isn’t anything like that, I’d say it’s worth looking for another one.”

Duke felt her shoulders relax under her touch and her stressful thoughts fade the longer she looked into her hazel eyes. Almost as though simply being with her was enough to make the rest of the world fade into the background. It was just _ her _.

“You _ actually _ believe I’m gonna get better, don’t you?” she chuckled, almost mockingly. Emmy nodded confidently.

“You’re one of the most stubborn bitches I know. Of course I believe you will.”

“You truly see my best qualities,” she huffed.

“Hard not too. You have a lot of them.”

Duke tensed up, feeling her heartbeat quicken. The giddy feeling in her chest was growing stronger, so much so that she had to swallow to calm it down.

“I-” she stammered. “Thank you?”

“You sound uncertain,” she said with a pout, shuffling around to face her directly. Duke leaned back a little, being met with a stern stare. “I want you to say it.”

“S-say what?”

“Say a quality about yourself that you like!” she commanded, straightening herself up. “I won’t let you leave this room until you do.”

“I- why?”

“I want you to do the opposite of what you always do. No self-deprecation, just positivity.”

Duke frowned. “Do I have to?”

“Yes. And be genuine.”

She let out a disgruntled groan as she tried to rattle her mind to think up something to get it over with. However, with each half-assed idea she came up with, she realised that it was not in fact a ‘good’ quality, only one that she would make fun of.

“I… like how assertive I am,” she eventually said. It earned her a wide beam with bright eyes that could’ve glowed.

“Me too!” She let out a sweet giggle. It was very sweet. Far too sweet.

“Um…” She ran her fingers through her hair. “I’ll be right back. I need the bathroom.”

With that, she escaped the hold that both Emmy and the blanket had on her, a sense of emptiness being carried along with her with the pressure having disappeared. She ignored the urge to crawl back into the little nest they had made and continued along the corridor to the bathroom, where she locked the door behind her and slumped on the counter.

Eventually, she looked up into the mirror, giving herself a confused, yet austere glare.

“Heather, _ what is going on with you? _” she said out loud. Not so loud that Heather may overhear her, but a stern, low voice.

“This is ridiculous. Nothing’s going on with you. Nothing at all,” she muttered.

“I just… really like her company, is all.”

* * *

“How was it? Tell me _ everything. _”

Duke’s face twisted with disgust. “Everything?”

Chandler rolled her eyes, releasing her hands. “Alright, no _ details _, but you know what I mean.”

Duke looked at the ground, her hands still a little moist from washing her hands.

Her response was a single shrug.

“What?” Chandler’s shoulders slumped. “Is that it? Seriously?” She frowned. “Heather, you waited _ years _ to lose your virginity and it’s finally happened!” She grabbed her by the shoulders. “ _ Did _ anything happen?” She eyed her suspiciously. “Or are you making shit up?”

“No!” She shook her hands off of her. “I mean, _ yes _, something happened.”

Chandler frowned. “You don’t look all that enthusiastic about it.” She tilted her head. “I thought you liked this guy.”

“Mmm.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

Duke continued to avert her gaze, wishing she could just move on from this conversation and forget about everything that had occured that night.

“Oh _ come on, _ Heather!” Chandler griped. “I _ let _ you go off with that guy! If you weren’t gonna take him, I certainly would have. He was pretty hot.” She gave her a nudge with her elbow. “I just figured I’d be nice and let you _ finally _ get your chance.” She scowled. “And now you’re telling me it was all for _ nothing? _ ” 

“I never _ asked _ you to give up your fifth seduction this week, Heather! _ You _ were the one who egged me on. All I did was agree with you that he was attractive.” _ And it was a fucking lie. All guys look the fucking same! _

Chandler paused.

“I never forced you to do anything. It was just a _ suggestion. _ ” 

“I never said you did.”

“Then why’d you go along with it, you fucking pillowcase?”

“Because _ what else _ am I meant to do?” Duke snapped furiously. “Literally _ no one _ will shut up about who bangs who in this stupid school. Perhaps I just wanted to feed the fire for once.”

Chandler arched a brow and folded her arms. “Why, because then people will add you to the conversation for once?”

Duke snarled at her. “You’re such a fucking narcissist.” She leered at her as she stepped closer. “Look, for a first try, I at least got him to get off. Wait for another twenty minutes, he might still be interested.” She felt the corners of her eyes grow wet. “Probably waiting for something a bit more interesting than just a hand.”

She was about to turn around, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“So, wait, after all that, you didn’t even-”

“Yeah. It was just a… you know.” She lifted her hand up. “A handjob.” She shrugged. “Got it over with quicker.”

She didn’t let Chandler say another word. She just had to hurry away, running from the hallway and off to find some sort of secluded room, which she knew would be hard to find at a party.

Eventually she found a door slightly ajar, and inside she found a cramped closet. She stepped inside and shut the door, leaning against it to make sure it stayed closed. All light left the small space, aside from whatever managed to slip through the tiny gap under the door. At least no one would see the few tears that rolled down her face. They might hear the fist that slammed the door, though, Hopefully the music was too loud.

“I don’t get it,” she whimpered, her hands still clenched tightly. “What’s wrong with me? I thought everyone was supposed to enjoy it.”

Her energy was eventually drained from holding back the rage she felt, causing her to slump against the door and slide down it. She hugged her knees and let out a shaky sigh.

“Calm down, Heather. Maybe they just… over-exaggerated things,” she whispered, swallowing back the urge to cry. “So it was underwhelming. Big deal. There’s always next time.”

She tried to smile at her advice, but the longer she thought about there being a ‘next time’, the more she felt the urge to cry and hit the wall. She didn’t even understand _ why _ . It wasn’t _ awfully _ unpleasant or anything. She shouldn’t feel violated either; sure, he’d wanted to _ ‘check her out’ _ , but she didn’t end up taking a single item of clothes off. And as for the handjob… sure, all she was thinking the entire time was _ when is this going to be over? _ But it was simple. Easy, in fact.

That was it. An easy way to stay popular. An inconvenience, but…

If Heather can do it, she should be able to as well.

It’s not fucking hard.

* * *

Cold water was surely enough to hide the heat she kept feeling rush to her face, wouldn’t it?

Hopefully it would, it was getting ridiculous.

“Heather?”

She jumped in hearing a knock on the bathroom door, and still didn’t relax when realising it was just Emmy.

“Huh? What? Yeah?”

“Are you okay in there?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine! Duh, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I was just checking when you’d be done,” she said. “Because I… kinda need to go.”

“Oh. Right.” She shoved her face in a towel, quickly checked that it was dry, before opening the door. She felt her body flinch when she locked eyes with Emmy, despite knowing she was going to be standing there.

“Hi,” Emmy greeted her with a smile.

“Mhmm, hi.”

A pause.

“So can I… go in?”

“Uh- oh. Right.”

She nervously shifted to the side, allowing Emmy to be able to enter the room. Once the door was closed, she gave a relieved sigh.

_ Just go back to her room. Can you do that, you pillowcase? _

She began to make her way back down the corridor and eventually stepped into the bedroom, which was of course, empty. She stood at the doorway, wondering what to do with herself now that she had no one to sit right next to, even if it was just for a little bit.

Then in looking at the abandoned weighted blanket on the bed, she made the decision to crawl across the bed and wrap the blanket around her. The pressure was somewhat familiar, reminding her of a certain someone’s firm, yet comforting hug. It just so happened to also have the same sweet scent of her. She guessed Emmy frequently rolled around in this blanket while still wearing jasmine-scented perfume or whatever.

“You like my weighted blanket!”

She yet again jolted at the sudden sound of Heather’s voice. How was she back already? She must have zoned out.

“Um…” She dropped it immediately. “It’s just an odd blanket.”

“It’s supposed to be,” Emmy said, hopping onto the bed and landing next to her. “It’s great for when I need to feel like I’m being hugged.” She smiled. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m autistic, or if it’s because my mother never bothered to hold me and then left me alone with a father growing more and more distant from me every day.” Her smile remained unchanged.

“Do you… want a hug now?” _ Heather what the fuck are you doing. _

“I’d love one!” Emmy giggled, shoving herself into Duke’s hold. “Aw, did you really miss me _ that _ much on my trip to the bathroom?”

“_ No, _” she snapped. “You were gone for like a minute.”

“I know, I’m joking.”

“Mhmm.” Duke looked down, and Emmy fell silent.

“Heather?”

“Mhmm?”

“You’re being quiet,” she said. “Is there something wrong?”

“No,” she answered quickly, but there was a hint of doubt in her tone that she hoped Emmy didn’t pick up. “Um… so about Veronica,” she then said. “You know before when you said you just knew?”

“Mhmm.” She nodded, listening intently.

“Well… what was it like?” she asked softly.

“Uh… what was what like? Which part?”

“Well, you know how we would always talk about how shit guys are at sex?” She twiddled her thumbs. “We… can’t do that anymore, can we?”

“Of course we can!” Emmy laughed, giving her a little bump with her shoulder. “I doubt I’ll have any new experiences to share, but I could give you a never-ending list as to why all of that was unenjoyable.”

“But you know _ why _ you didn’t enjoy any of it,” Duke muttered bitterly, staring down at her hands. “Why do _ I _ come out of it all feeling unsatisfied at best?”

“To be fair, a lot of guys aren’t all that great at sex. The majority of them don’t even know what a vulva is.”

“Yeah… they think all that’s down there is a vagina and then expect us to know all the most sensitive parts of a dick.”

The two of them laughed, that is, until Duke’s laughter faded, and she frowned.

“So… what changed about you?” she murmured. “Did you just want to test things out with Veronica? Were you unsure whether you were gonna like it or not?” She sighed. “Or did you already know before anything actually happened?”

Emmy tilted her head, looking a little puzzled by the many questions being thrown at her.

“I don’t think I knew for sure that I’d enjoy it, no,” she replied. “Because I didn’t have a good standard to live up to.”

“So what made you want to do it?”

A faint smile appeared on her lips. “I liked her,” was all she replied with.

Duke stared at her. “That’s… that’s it?”

She shrugged. “Yeah." She wrapped half of the blanket around her. “I dunno. If I could name what was different with her compared to all those other times, I’d say I never once stopped to think about what I was doing. I just let it happen because I _ actually _ enjoyed it.” Her hands flapped a little and her smile widened. “You know she’s ambidextrous? She’ll never get tired!”

“It was really that nice?” Duke asked, her tone flat as she continued to stare at her, trying to not let herself feel so much joy over her adorable gestures.

“It was such a _ relief _ , I can tell you that!” She fell backwards onto the bed. Duke twisted around to look at her as she stared up at the ceiling, eyes full of wonder. “All that time I wasted running back to Kurt, being convinced that there must have been _ something _ there the first time, and that I just needed to find it again. Turns out I was just looking in all the wrong places!” She picked herself up again. “Though, not my fault that all the right places were labeled the wrong places, now, was it?”

“No,” Duke murmured. “It isn’t.” She chewed on her lip anxiously, knowing what her next question was, and yet her mind was yelling at her to swallow it and never think it again.

However, if there is anything she had learned about herself, is that she had the most unhealthy thought processes ever, and she probably shouldn’t trust them.

“So… how would I know if I was looking in the right place?” she forced out, a wave of embarrassment hitting her immediately. She dared to glance at Emmy for a split second, and saw her eyes had widened with intrigue.

“Are you implying that… you aren’t?”

“Just answer the question,” she snapped.

“Okay, well… I’ll be honest, Heather, I don’t know how you’ll know,” she said. “That’s something you have to figure out yourself.”

“But how will I know?”

“I don’t know, you just do!” She shrugged. “Maybe you’ll think about kissing that person a lot, or find yourself staring at them for a prolonged amount of time. Or you just… get a sudden urge to take things further, I guess.” She looked at her blankly. “But why do you ask? You’ve never had a cr-”

And just like that, her eyes lit up with excitement, and Duke could only wince.

“You _ like _ someone?” she gasped, grabbing her by the arms and sitting up on her knees, towering over her as she stared her down with an enthusiastic and interrogating stare. “Who?”

“I never said that!”

“Tell me everything!” she demanded. “Do I know them?”

“I… yes…” she mumbled. She let go of her, but still leaned close with her chin in her hand.

“Hmm…” She gave a very focused look. “Are they nice?”

“Well, yes,” she replied quietly. “Some people may just disagree with me.”

“Are they pretty?”

“Can confidently say yes.” She batted her lashes at her.

Emmy squinted. “Do they go to Westerburg?”

“Mhmm.”

“Oh! Are they popular? Or at least well known.”

“Yes. Very.” _ Why am I answering so honestly? Awful, bad plan. _ She dragged her fingers through her hair to brush it out her face which was heating up each second.

“Are they…” Emmy tapped her chin. “Are they a brunette?”

Duke paused, her mouth parted slightly in preparation to say “no”. Then, glancing up, just above her hazel eyes, she realised another answer would work better.

“Yes.”

That seemed to throw her off a little, as she fell quiet for a while. It let relief wash over Duke, though so did another feeling of what she thought might be disappointment. While she was busy thinking, Duke reached out for her water bottle, and took a sip.

“Is…” She clicked her tongue. “Is it Veronica?”

She managed to catch the water that sprayed from her mouth in her palm. Most of it, anyway.

“_ No! _”

“Damn, I just cleaned my sheets.”

“Why would you think it’s _ Veronica? _” she spat.

“I dunno! I was narrowing it down a lot and she seemed like the best fit for all your criteria!” She shrugged. “The only other popular brunette I could think of was Courtney, and-”

“Okay, yeah, no, go with Veronica.”

“Exactly.” She twiddled her thumbs. “I also wouldn’t blame you by any means, so-”

“It’s not Veronica.”

“Fuck.” She pouted and her shoulders fell. “I’ll figure it out.”

Duke managed to let herself smirk. “Good luck with that.”

Emmy narrowed her eyes. “Oh, I see.” She leaned closer. Not close enough. “It’s on, Heather Lee Duke.”

“You’re not going to crack me. You can hardly read my expression right now.”

Heather let out a sharp gasp, placing a hand on her chest.

“Right, _ rude _,” she retorted. “At least I don’t drink sparkling water.”

“Listen, I really like fizzy drinks but sparkling water is the only carbonated drink my bulimic ass can handle to swallow right now.”

Emmy frowned. “Well now I just feel bad.”

Duke let out a cackle, which earned her a challenging glare.

“You bitch,” she said in a low voice, and before Duke could give a snarky reply, a pillow landed right on her face.

“Hey, unfair!” she barked. “You’re stronger than me, you’re so gonna beat me.”

“Coward,” Emmy said smugly as she gathered up a pile of pillows at her disposal. Duke huffed, before scrambling to do the same.

As the two of them swung and threw pillows at one another, Duke thought that maybe, just maybe, she’d find Heather less pretty in a silly, childish playfight which would for sure cause both of them to sweat and pant. Maybe she’d be put off by the frustrated grunts or the messed up hair or bangs that would stick to her face as the room grew hotter. If that happened, she could happily go back to not knowing where to look.

“_ Ha. _” She chortled as she pretended to throw another pillow at Emmy, who had flinched, before giving her a cold look.

“Fucking _ rude, _” she said, before swinging two pillows towards her, both of which Duke struggled to shield herself against.

_ Would I be happier, though? _ she wondered. _ Going back to look for someone I want, even though I’ve been looking for years. _ The thought almost distracted her enough to be hit by a fluffy white pillow. _ And it never gets better. Hell, if anything, each guy I try and hook up with gets worse. _

In looking at Heather again, there was still a nagging thought holding her back.

_ I don’t know if what I’m feeling is what I think it is. _ She became saddened by the thought. _ How far would I want to take it? _

* * *

“Hey, beautiful.”

Duke looked up from her drink and locked eyes with… a guy. He was certainly a guy. Very generic looking. No recognisable facial features.

“What do you want,” she muttered.

“Oh, nothing,” he replied, pulling up a seat right next to her. “I just noticed you were sitting here all alone and-”

“I am sitting with three of my friends.” She gestured to Heather, Heather and Veronica who all sat around the ‘bar’ in a group. “I am far from alone.”

The three girls all made a gesture to the guy without even looking in his general direction.

“Oh,” he grunted. “Well, I don’t think you’re getting the attention you nee-”

“Look, just go see if a room is free and meet me back down here to see if I’m still interested,"

He paused, looking taken aback, but was quick to scramble up and hurry towards the direction of the stairs. Duke watched him go, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“He had nice hair,” she heard Chandler grunt next to her. Without looking up at her, she gave a nod.

“I guess.” She could not actually remember what his hair looked like.

“It looked really fluffy!” McNamara said. “Kind of like Veronica’s.” She ruffled Veronica’s brown hair, which made her giggle.

“I’m flattered,” she said. Duke simply continued to sip her drink, and more time than she thought must have passed, since Heather nudged her to get her to look up.

“Hey, get ready,” she told her. Duke groaned as she took one glance to the side, and saw him returning with a satisfied grin.

_ Fuck. _

“Lucky for us, first bedroom I saw was free,” he said. “We going?”

It suddenly occurred to her that she did not in fact want to move from her spot, but with how he was waiting for her to follow, and with the little waves that the group gave her, she figured she’d already set herself up for this.

“Mhmm,” she mumbled, slowly slipping off her stool, possibly buying her some time.

“Do you wanna condom?” Chandler drunkenly yelled from behind her as she walked away. She rolled her eyes, not even bothering to yell back a response. Her body was already moving pretty robotically anyway, like she were on autopilot. That’s just how she learned to get through it as quickly as possible.

“You first,” he said, holding the door to the room open for her and gesturing for her to walk in.

“Thanks,” she grunted dryly. Soon enough she was standing in the middle of a stranger’s bedroom, the door clicking shut behind her. As usual.

“So, I take it you like to cut to the chase,” he said in a tone that she figured was supposed to be seductive. She could only recognise that by low voices and softly spoken words; seducing her was the last thing it ever did.

“What gives you that idea?” she asked, growing a little alert when she saw him unbuckling his belt.

“Usually I have to use a pick-up line and ask what a girl wants to study in college,” he explained with a grin. “Rare I get someone like you willing to get right to it.”

Her head was beginning to spin a little. She could blame the alcohol, or she could say that things were moving far too quickly. She hadn’t gotten the chance to prepare herself at all.

“So, what position you wanna do?” he asked as he slipped his belt off. “You just wanna get on the bed and spread your legs, or-”

“Uhh, I don’t-” she cleared her throat, “I was going to suggest a blowjob or something. You like quick things, right? That’ll be quick.”

“Oh, no, you’ve bought us all the time we need to give us both a good time,” he said, slipping his jeans off. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten any pussy. Don’t suppose you wanna help me out?”

Duke felt her throat grow dry. _ I can’t help you out with that last part, _ she thought, panicked, _ not one you’re expecting, anyway. _

“I… I have a tampon in,” she lied. “Because, you know. Blood. Lots. I bleed.”

He seemed unphased. “I figured that was the case when you denied a condom before,” he said. “I don’t mind at all.”

He was getting closer, while she was backing up towards the foot of the bed.

“It’s heavy,” she said. “It’ll get everywhere.”

“We can get a towel.”

Her backside bumped into the bed, and she accidentally toppled over, now sitting down, staring up at him. Her heart was racing. No more excuses came to mind - none that would work, anyway.

Apart from one.

“I don’t want to do penetration,” she managed to force out, trying to hold a firm tone. “I’m not up to it.”

He paused, maybe about an inch away from her, and frowned.

“Do you say that to every guy you sleep with?” he asked, his tone growing a little more cold. She blinked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Literally every guy who I’ve spoken to has gotten nothing but your hands and mouth,” he said. “Come on, I made a bet. Let me have this one?”

“Wait, wait,” she shook her head, trying to process what he had just said. “You made a _ what? _”

“Trust me, I’ll make it worth while. I’m not like any of the other guys,” he insisted. “I’ll make your first time worth remembering.”

“I’m fucking sorry, are you implying some group of dickheads made a bet to see who could fuck me in the vag first?” she spat, trying to push forward to stand up, but he was in her way. “That’s vile. I’m calling this off.”

“Oh, come on,” he said, one hand on her shoulder. She swallowed. “You gotta want some relief down there.”

“I don’t,” she told him firmly. “Put your pants back on. This is over.” She tried to brush his hand off, but it wouldn’t budge. She remained sitting, feeling her limbs begin to shake.

“You can’t go through your teens and not have a dick in you at least once,” he said. “Let yourself loosen up a little, would ya?”

“_ No. _”

“What, are you nervous or something?” Impatience was evident in his tone. “Come on, baby, I can help you out with this.”

“Ever consider that I find none of this to be a turn-on?” she hissed.

“I can fix that. You’ll want more of this in no time.” He began to pull his boxers down, while she just glared up at him, not wanting to spare a glance at whatever hunk of flesh hung between his legs.

“I don’t need fixing, dipshit.”

“Trust me, you’ll thank me later.” His boxers were on the grounds. He was in her path to the door. He was far taller than her. Much stronger, too.

There was really no way out of this.

“You know what? Fine. I’ll take your word for it,” she muttered, shifting along the side of the bed. “How about I ride you?”

“_ Nice, _” he grinned with satisfaction. Gross.

“But, um,” she forced herself to look down. Half erect. “I should give you a warm-up first.” She held back the urge to gag at the one and only idea that had come to mind.

This was gonna suck.

Literally.

“You first,” she said in a forced eager tone, gesturing to the bed.

Of course he moved in the position she wanted him in. She crawled up, and proceeded to zone out of the next few minutes. As usual. The only thing getting her through this was the plan she had in mind, one that she convinced herself would be worth it. Or, at the very least, was the best one she had in this situation.

Eventually a fowl taste entered her mouth, and again, she had to hold herself back from gagging. Especially since she had to hold it in for longer than she would usually have to.

“I’ll have to take a moment to get it back up,” she heard him breathe.

“Mhmm,” is all she could respond with when her mouth was full. Making sure her cheeks looked normal, like nothing was still there, she began to crawl up towards him, up until she was staring him down from above.

And that’s when she opened her mouth.

As soon as the liquid hit his face he let out a disgusted yell, giving her time to scrambled off and dart towards the door.

“_ Hey, what the fuck! _” he screamed after her, and it was only when she managed to unlock the door did she look back with a darkened gaze.

“Maybe you better _ fix yourself up _,” she sneered. “Got a bit messy, don’t ya think?” She gestured to his cum-covered face, before leaving the room. Just before she shut the door, however, she poked her head back in. “By the way, you may have to go downstairs. The bathroom up here will be in use for a while.”

With that, she darted off towards the bathroom, which was thankfully free. She slammed the door behind her, letting herself be still for maybe thirty dead silent seconds. Perhaps a minute.

She eventually let out a long, shaky sigh. Following it came a laugh. Next came a sob, accompanied with tears.

Leaning back against the door she continued to laugh and cry and what just happened. Her brain was struggling to find a correct emotion she was currently feeling. Was there such thing as feeling satisfied and violated at the same time? She might have to make up a new word just for tonight.

Eventually she stumbled over to the sink, still wheezing and still tearing up. She let the tap run, caught water in the palm of her hand and splashed her mouth vigorously, trying to get the flavour out. Every time she spat she would shakily laugh. Every time she refilled her hand she would sniff.

Soon enough all she could taste was tap water. She turned it off and looked up in the mirror. She was met with red eyes, tear-stained cheeks, a chin dripping with water and teeth tearing at her bottom lip.

“When am I going to be ready?” she whispering in a raspy voice. “Why can everyone else do it? What’s wrong with me?”

She brushed some wet hair out of her face.

“Maybe I really am just broken.”

* * *

“Hey! No blankets allowed!” Emmy laughed as she continued to pummel Duke with numerous pillows at once.

“You stole all the pillows! I have no choice.”

“It means I have won,” she said triumphantly. “I win the pillow fight.”

“You may have won the fight, but I’ll win the war,” Duke said, cautiously removing the weighted blanket when the hitting subsided.

“What war?”

“I don’t know. But there’s a war now.”

“Well, okay then,” she said, throwing the pillows back to the head of her bed.

“Phew,” she sighed, letting the blanket pool around her.

“I win!” Emmy chipped, slipping back into the blanket with Duke, shoulders brushing. “But don’t let that sway you from trying again.”

Duke snickered as she held her gaze. “How very sweet of you,” she said. “Um… thank you.”

She tilted her head to the side. “For what?”

Duke blinked a few times to distract herself from her speckled irises.  
“Um… just for letting me stay over,” she stammered. “Much more fun than it would have been if I went home.” 

“Oh, it’s no problem at all!” she said, swaying to the side and letting her arm press against hers for a brief moment. The reaction within Duke was far more than feeling comforted. “I like having you around.”

The sentence made her heart flutter in such a pleasant way that she found it difficult to find a need to bury it.

So she didn’t.

Instead, she looked up at Emmy, taking a moment to actually take her in for the first time tonight. She took in all her features, identifying each one that she found pleasing to the eye, each one that brought a pleasant thought, and all the others to which she was… indifferent. Just indifferent. There wasn’t much to be indifferent about, either.

If she could be honest with herself for just a moment, she really did like looking at her. She had wide, beautiful eyes and golden hair and…

It just felt like she was looking in the right place. It may not be somewhere she expected, or even wanted, but she may have found it. Maybe.

“I like you too,” she murmured. She registered that her mouth opened, but her head was too dizzy with feelings to register what words she had said.

_ I shouldn’t like you, _ she thought as she edged closer. _ I should just keep looking. _

But the thought made her shudder. Abandoning Heather to keep searching in a sea of guys who have never, and likely will never catch her interest. To continue to gamble each time she hooked up, in hopes that she would come out with an experience she wanted to remember.

That seemed so _ tiring _. Why should she keep looking for the right person when Heather could be exactly that.

Heather was sweet and caring and passionate about the simplest things and treated her like a goddamn _ person _ and…

And…

_ Fuck it. _

For once in her life, she didn’t stop to think about what she was doing. Instead she just lunged forward, letting her lips land square on Heather’s. She held her face still, hands smushing both of her cheeks, keeping her there When they touched, she felt an odd jolt that felt like electricity, something that she had never experienced before, but welcomed eagerly. Not only did she _ feel _ something, but it felt _ good _. As if one of her wants were actually being fulfilled.

Fuck, she had a _ want _. She wanted Heather.

And in realising what she wanted, she realised she didn’t know if she had it. Reluctantly, her grip on her loosened, until her hands were pulled away. She broke the kiss off, keeping her eyes closed until she was far away enough to not make eye contact.

The room was dead silent for a while. Each second dragged on longer than it needed to, and with each one’s passing, regret for what she had just done built up in Heather’s gut.

Then Emmy finally spoke.

“I’m not a _ brunette! _”

Duke blinked, frowning at the statement.

“Um, _ yes you are, _” she retorted, lifting her head up. She was met with a pout.

“Not right now I’m not!”

Duke huffed and folded her arms. “So maybe I did it to throw you off,” she grunted. “But still, it wasn’t a lie. You’re naturally a brunette.”

Emmy’s expression softened. “You didn’t need to throw me off.”

Duke bit her lip. “Yes I did.”

“Why?

“I wasn’t sure if I wanted you to find out.”

“Are you _ kidding? _ ” Emmy leaned forward with wide eyes. “I am _ so smug _ right now!”

“Why?” she raised a brow.

“Because you’ve never liked anyone before, Heather!” she chipped. “Are you saying I’m your first crush? I’m _ flattered! _”

Duke shifted uncomfortably. “So you… you feel like you broke some sort of curse,” she muttered bitterly. “Congrats, Heather, you won. You finally got through to me.”

Her shoulders slumped. “Hm? No, I didn’t mean…” She leaned back. “That’s not what I meant.”

Duke looked at her doubtfully.

“I just think it’s exciting you like someone, is all,” she explained. “And I’m excited that the person you caught feelings for is me.” She offered an empathetic gaze. “But that doesn’t mean I’d be disappointed if you never found anyone you liked. I’m just surprised!”

Duke’s heart fluttered a little, but she was still filled with uncertainty.

“Well I’m glad you’re flattered, at least,” she murmured. “At least something will come out of this.”

“Huh?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” she said, beginning to panic a little. “I’ve just made things weird between us now. I should’ve just-”

“Heather,” Emmy cut her off, followed by a soft peck landing on her lips, making her freeze up in shock.

“Mmm?” she squeaked out, staring at Emmy who continued to smile warmly at her.

“Can I confess something to you?” she said. Duke, still feeling her heart racing by a tiny little action, gave a nod. She gave a sheepish simper and twirled her hair around her finger.

“I would honestly date literally any of you,” she said. “If you, Veronica or Heather came up to me and asked me on a date, I’d immediately say yes.”

Duke blinked at her, a little stunned.

“You’re saying you have a crush on all of us.”

“The more I think about it, yes, I do.”

She let out a surprised hum. “You hide it well.”

“I have to,” she said. “You think it would end well if I let my romantic love for my three friends who I am constantly hanging around in school show through?” She rested her cheek on her hand. “Granted, I would love, but some dipshit made the rule that doing so would be a bad thing.”

Duke chuckled. “They’re an asshole.”

“I know.”

A short silence.

“Well?” Emmy spoke again. Duke furrowed her brow.

“Huh?”

“Are you going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?”

“I figured as you kissed me and are in fact, not crying and in need of a happiness boost through an orgasm, that you have genuine feelings for me,” she said. “So I assumed you’d ask me out.”

“Oh.” The weight of the situation suddenly hit Duke, and she shifted in her spot. “I… I think I want to do that.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “But this is all so… new to me. I don’t know what I want.”

Emmy gave a nod. “That’s okay! It’s up to you.”

Duke thought about it for a moment. A relationship built on romance seemed… daunting, to say the least. While she did indeed fantasise about romantic dates and every cliche in the book happening to her, she had no idea how that would play out in real life. Now that it was actually _ happening _, that is.

And yet, as daunting as it seemed, she still wanted to figure out what it felt like. The experience had made her curious for years, and now that she actually wanted to persue things…

“I don’t want to get in the way of you and Veronica, though?” she said with a shrug.

“Pfft,” Emmy waved dismissively, “I don’t get in the way of her and Heather, do I?” She gave a smile. “That is, if you’re okay with things happening between us.”

Duke shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” she said.

“Yay!” She suddenly found herself in a tight embrace. “So are we a thing? Is this a thing now?”

“I guess it is,” she said, before correcting herself quickly. “_ We are. _”

“This is so exciting!” Emmy squealed, hands flapping excitedly. “What date is it? I need to remember for our anniversary.”

Duke had to stifle her laughter at her enthusiasm. “It’s the 27th."

“I’ll write that down later,” she said. “But I just realised I don’t actually know; are you a lesbian, or are you like Heather and Veronica?”

Duke’s mind went blank for a moment.

“Uh… lesbian, I guess,” she said, though she wasn’t entirely sure. “I mean, I can’t say there’s ever been a guy I’ve liked?”

“I should’ve guessed by how you have short nails.” She held up her own hand with a smirk. “Just like me. What a coincidence.”

Duke arched a brow.

“Heather, I have short nails because I’m a bulimic.”

Her expression stayed the same as she fluttered her lashes.

“It’s because you’re a lesbian now.”

“No, I purposely file them so that-”

“_ It’s because you’re a lesbian now, _” she repeated sternly. Duke shut her mouth and gave a nod of agreement.

“Mhmm. Okay.”

“Now,” she then said, shuffling along her bed until she was leaning against the headboard. “Mind coming to cuddle with your new girlfriend?”

“Are you going to throw more pillows at me?”

“I need two hands to hold you, so no.”

Duke snickered, before she crawled over to her, dragging the weighted blanket along with her. “You’re a pillowcase.”

“Does that make you the pillow?” she asked. “Because-” rather than using words, she simply wrapped her arms around her securely, making the task of draping the blanket over them a slightly more difficult task for Duke. Not that she minded. She was too filled with joyful and wistful emotions to be bothered by anything.

“Was that a pick-up line?”

“Yes.”

“I appreciate the attempt,” she said with a laugh, before burying herself into Emmy’s chest, which was soft and warm and _ she really liked it. _

In the tranquil quiet that fell on them, she was able to take in the events of that evening properly. She had found what she thought had been missing this whole time, and she was actually able to fucking embrace it. Sure, she may have found what she wanted in a very complicated place that was going to make things very difficult, but it didn’t matter to her, because she had _ found what she’d been looking for. _

“I see what you mean,” she sighed into her chest. “This is _ such _ a relief.”

“I know,” she heard her murmur contentedly. There was another brief quiet, when Duke gained a mischievous smirk that she knew Emmy wouldn’t be able to see, but may be able to hear.

“So are you implying you have a crush on Heather?” she snarked. She felt Heather tense up a little.

“Okay, _ listen _,” she barked defensively. “She is a really good kisser, okay?”

“Is she, now?” She curled up against her. “Is that the only reason?”

A pause. “Well, no.”

Duke smiled.

“It’s okay, Heather,” she soothed, patting her side lightly. “I’ll help you get that threesome with Veronica and Heather.”

“_ I never said anything about a threesome, Heather!” _ Emmy protested, while Duke just let out a cackle, one that continued on until she had tears.

Happy tears.

Happy, really fucking relieved tears.

**Author's Note:**

> good for you Duke it's what you deserve you funky little ace lesbian
> 
> if you liked the fic i appreciate and read all comments !!! they help keep my motivation going  

> 
> https://heathersgameoftag.tumblr.com/


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